Divorce...............

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?" I was watching the episode of Friends in which the gang playfully teases Ross for being the man with three failed marriages. Although I laughed, I couldn't help but feel like I was laughing at myself. While I have not been married three times, I have been married twice and had a couple of situations that might as well have been marriages. Looking back, I wish that I could have made them work, but I feel no remorse for leaving once I realized they wouldn't. To me it's like, why would I take a test in pencil and fail to erase my mistakes before handing it in? If my pencil has an eraser, why not use it. Don't get me wrong, marriage SHOULD be forever. But when you know good and full well it's not, thank God for options. At the end of the allotted time for the test, the least you can do is hand in a neat test. "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."

Sight.........................

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." I found myself dating a woman once. Every one swore it was just a phase and looking back, I suppose they were right. It didn't feel that way at the time to me. I was sure that I had finally found what I was supposed to have. This woman was great to me. She took out the trash, did the dishes, kept money in my pocket, rubbed my feet after a long day's work and so very much more. I was so caught up in these little things that it was easy for me to ignore the big things, at first. But eventually, those things could not be ignored any longer. No matter how hard she tried, she would never be a man. No matter how hard I wished, she would never be a man. In essence, that relationship was not unlike any other relationship I've had in the past. I was trying to create the perfect man, this time however I was WAY off the mark. What we often times fail to realize is that our perfect mate doesn't need to be created. They already exist. When we let go of our ideals and take the time to learn God's, then and only then will we be able to see them for who they really are, wherever they happen to be. "I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women."

Feelings.....Nothing more than......

"One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels." Gustave Flaubert

The worst part of feeling is being unable to control just what is felt. While we can control our responses to our feelings and what we allow others to see, we cannot control that which we feel. This inability to control what we feel is what makes getting over "it" so difficult. Whatever "it" may be, I am more than positive that moving past it would be so much easier if we no longer felt it. I once said that if I had to live without any one sense, I'd elect to rid myself of the sense of touch. For every benefit you can tell me the sense provides, I can think of at least two disadvantages directly related. It sometimes feels as though this sense hinders me. Feelings are the response to being touched, so it would seem logical that the way to eliminate them is to eliminate touch........but then again, nothing ever works here in life the way it does in my beautifully dark and twisted fantasies.

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor." Thich Nhat Hanh

Loving.........

" There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human-in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time." C. Joybell C.


It's funny how time and space allow you to fully explore all that you are and have ever been. As I've reflected over my life the past few weeks in an attempt to figure out where I'm headed I've come to see quite a few things differently than I had before. One of those things: love. For as long as I can remember, I have always found myself feeling just a tad bit lost in conversations about love. How can something that by all accounts is beautiful and freeing be so restrictive and limiting? I just don't get it. What is with all the expectations we place on love? Since when is love an investment? From what I hear, the answer is : since the beginning of time. I suppose Adam DID give up a rib in return for a whole woman (IF you believe that story but that's a whole NOTHER blog). But seriously, why must we expect love in return for the love we give? I'm convinced that our expectations are the sole reason for the pain we suffer in life. I've heard about having an attitude of gratitude and I think that when it comes to love, that's really the way to think. I'm grateful for the experience.......for the opportunity......and for the ability.....TO love. If I should be loved in return, GREAT, but if not, that's cool too. Probably because the hardest part of love for me is allowing myself to BE loved. I promise I'll write about that one day........but today won't be that day. Right now, I just want to love ya and be who I am..........*cranks up the music*


"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." William Somerset Maugham

If You Have to Ask..........

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot ever be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart" Helen Keller

I have this pet peeve: I hate when people ask me how I feel about something. I mean, mostly because I know that I'm going to tell them and alter the course of our relationship forever from that moment. You shouldn't have to ask me how I feel about anything. ESPECIALLY how I feel about you. I know, I know what you are thinking: "Well if I don't ask, how will I know?" This is where your intuition and security come into play. If you don't feel loved.........as unfortunate as that may be, know this: Hearing me profess my love to/for you isn't going to do much to change that. You will still FEEL the way you feel. *cocks head to the side* You will STILL feel the way that you feel. I know that this sounds incredibly insensitive and I'm truly sorry about that. But the reality is that I just don't want that responsibility. You know, the responsibility of reassuring you............I just want to love you and be who I am.


"Is it really possible to tell someone else what one feels?" Leo Tolstoy

I Seriously Wonder.......

How much of an ass was I back when I was a college freshman? I don't remember not doing my work, not showing up for class nor do I remember giving the teacher a "hard time." Okay I'm lying about that, I remember being seen as the problem student. But that was because I learn best via the Socratic method. Many people tend to feel insulted when you question what they tell you. I suppose I can understand that, because I hate when my husband asks me anything. But that's kind of a different story, because bless his heart, I hate a lot of stuff he does. :/ But back to me and school. I find myself sitting in class now wondering why in the hell these kids even bother showing up. No pens, pencils, paper, or books. Just attitude. For what? What the fuck are you upset about? You've got it made right now. This class is the hardest part of your day. FOH with your attitude! If anyone should have an attitude it should be me. Here I am 32 years old sitting in a class that I SHOULD have completed 10 years ago. *sigh* But I'm not mad. In fact, I'm happy to be here. I'm glad I grew past that stage of believing that I didn't need a college degree. I mean, still don't feel that I need one. I just want it. :)

What is it with MY man?

So I've been lost in love for the past year of my life and wouldn't you know that today is one of those "off again" days? What is with men? I mean seriously, why can they not see that if they would do a few SMALL things, we'd be willing to do a whole lot of BIG things? Think I'm lying? All I want is for him to protect and provide. PROTECT and PROVIDE. Now someone is reading this and thinking that I'm asking for the world. They just don't know. I do damn near everything that NEEDS to be done for me, myself. All I'm looking for is a little help. SO, the protection and provision is minimal. I just need him to have my back. That means to be prepared to catch me, SHOULD I fall. Why is that too much to ask? I mean, if I'm taking care of the affection, building the esteem, supporting and nurturing, what more does he need? I give him his space yet I'm there when he calls. Is asking to have my "I hate men" sessions with my girls too much?? It's no different to me than that rapper that comes up. Sure, he's got it made now. No more drug game. But every now and then he likes to get on the mic and rap about how gully and gutter he STILL is (even though he ain't). I guess I'm the same way. I have a good man. I have truly come up. But every now and again I want to sit around with my girls and laugh at the few flaws he has, however minor they may be. I want to talk about how I'm leaving (when I know good and full well that I ain't going nowhere). Its what we women do: complain. Its as necessary as breathing. At the end of the day, its nothing more than what you men do on Thanksgiving during the game. I just need to do it more often. *le sigh* Why does that have to be so bad?