Thursday, December 19, 2013

Exercise It

Did you know that hearing the word of God is not enough? Did you know that the magnitude of your faith is determined not by what you hear, but by how you act upon that which you have heard? I like to believe that the majority of people who will read this have confidence in not just God, but in His word as well. The question I pose: Do we place our trust upon it? In and upon are two completely different actions that yield two completely different results. Placing something "within" something else will result in that thing being contained or enclosed: limited. While placing something "upon" something else indicates positioning. Upon is a position reached by going up. Building your trust upon the word of God establishes His word as our foundation and the sky as the limit to which we can travel with it. Building our faith upon the word of God enables us to go higher in God to be with God. It may sound a little odd for me to say that you limit your faith by placing it in the word alone, but that's what I believe. Placing your faith in the word alone limits your capacity to understand God's ability and your ability to witness God's capability. By its very definition, faith is the substance of things hoped for and the and the evidence of things not seen ...........but how many of us can say that we have faith enough to believe that God not only can, but will, even when His word seems to suggest otherwise? In the 15th chapter of Matthew (verses 21-28), the Syro-phoenician woman comes to Jesus on behalf of her demon possessed daughter. She pleads with Jesus to have mercy on her and then she TOO tells Jesus what’s wrong. But something very interesting happens; He ignores her. In this time, it was improper for a woman to directly address a man and yet here this woman is INITIATING the conversation. Only to be answered by Jesus and told that He was only sent to the lost sheep of Israel. Again she pleaded for Him to help her yet Jesus replied “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.” Can I tell you that this woman was better than me? Cause I would have went all kinds of Queen Latifah on Jesus. “Who you calling a ????? ” For the inference made was that she being a Gentile was like a puppy to the children of Israel…. when I read this I thought, How much are WE (Christians) like Christ in this way? Do we not fix our mouths to tell people who NEED Jesus that they aren’t who He is coming for……… I mean, that IS what He said isn’t it? We seem to rest our faith in His word at the most convenient times Did you know that sometimes the audacity with which you hope is what makes your faith visible to God? While many would suggest (and I believe) that there is a divine order of operations, the Bible gives us many examples of grace being accessed in any instance where humility, faith and mercy (from God) abound. Humility when added to faith increases it exponentially (raises it to an nth power) and as a consequence evokes mercy, which is why God gives us grace. Each time Jesus spoke of great faith in the Bible, His words were preceded by an act of great humility. In the book of Matthew we find two separate instances of Gentiles who sought out Jesus on behalf of someone close to them. In each instance Jesus is moved by their faith, which is evidenced in their humility….. but in this instance it was the unmitigated gall of this woman that made Jesus take notice. Well this woman, a woman whom Jesus himself said had GREAT FAITH chose to ACTIVATE her faith. Kneeling at his feet she told Him, she TOLD Jesus, that is WAS right to throw the children’s bread to the dogs for “even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.” Notice how he didn’t ask her was it right, yet she told Him that it was. She placed her faith UPON His words and THAT is what moved Jesus to grant her request. What is faith? The substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen……….What is faith? Belief that the God you recognize as Lord will recognize you as one of His own simply because you believe………What is faith? Belief that while you are NOT worthy to speak to Him that He will yet hear you and respond when you cry out to Him…….What is faith? Belief that all it takes is His word to fix the situation no matter what it is……What you ask is faith? Forsaking All I Trust Him Faith cannot exist where there is fear. Humility can not exist where there is pride. Often times we confuse audacity with arrogance or pride. Audacity is but fearless daring. His grace and mercy is abounds if we would only humble ourselves to receive it……….

Why Don't You Love ME?

"You can't force someone to love you; all you can do is become someone who can be loved; the rest is up the them. " There's only one thing in the world that's better than being loved, and that is loving someone. It's taken me six long months to figure that out, but by George I've got it! I had the opportunity last night to get some closure..............finally! Ever since I watched him walk out the door, I've wondered what I could have done to make him love me. I've wondered what was wrong with me that he didn't love me. I couldn't move completely forward because I was too busy trying to figure out why this didn't work. Well.......I finally built up enough nerve to ask and the truth is, his answer surprised me. He reaffirmed my belief that men know sooner than they let on what they want from you. Whether it's a fling or a lifetime they know. In my case, he said he knew that it wasn't a lifetime, but it was more than a fling. He just wanted to enjoy what it was while it lasted. He said that there was nothing wrong with me at all. What I realized in this instant was how right he was. Too many times we walk around kicking ourselves feeling like a loser when in reality you're gaining. I was losing me everyday I remained in that situation thinking that it would magically change. Even after he was gone, I was losing me wondering how I could get him back. I needed that closure so I could finally stop asking myself, do I? And let this man, the right man know that I do. "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart. "

Those were the days........

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." I found myself dating a woman once. Every one swore it was just a phase and looking back, I suppose they were right. It didn't feel that way at the time to me. I was sure that I had finally found what I was supposed to have. This woman was great to me. She took out the trash, did the dishes, kept money in my pocket, rubbed my feet after a long day's work and so very much more. I was so caught up in these little things that it was easy for me to ignore the big things, at first. But eventually, those things could not be ignored any longer. No matter how hard she tried, she would never be a man. No matter how hard I wished, she would never be a man. In essence, that relationship was not unlike any other relationship I've had in the past. I was trying to create the perfect man, this time however I was WAY off the mark. What we often times fail to realize is that our perfect mate doesn't need to be created. They already exist. When we let go of our ideals and take the time to learn God's, then and only then will we be able to see them for who they really are, wherever they happen to be. "I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women."


"Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone." I am a proud single woman. You know the type, left hand up in the air flipping back and forth singing, "Uh uh oh uh uh oh uh oh!" But at the end of the day I have to confess, I can't do this alone. I'm independent to a degree, meaning that it all falls on me at the end of the day, but I depend on my relationships with others to make it through the day. For this reason I am extremely attentive to the needs of others and make it my business to let them know that they are appreciated. However, I have reached a point where I just don't see that happening for me. I want so badly to be wanted, needed even. What I don't understand is why it isn't happening. I was reading this popular book over the weekend and one chapter in particular struck a nerve. The author said that women have gone and gotten the education, secured the job, bought the house, the car, the jewelry, had the kids, so on and so forth. He spoke about how at this point, she doesn't really need a man and when men see that they aren't needed they have no reason to be around. Ouch. I had to put the book down for awhile in order to take a good look at me. I will admit, I enjoy being able to take care of myself. But I really do it because I HAVE to. If not me, then who? Must I really let go of me in order to fully embrace us? If so, how? When? My past is all I have to draw from and every time I've allowed someone else to be in full control of me, I only ended up paying in the end. I suppose it all goes back to us learning what love is and how to recognize it when it appears. You have to let go in order to fall............the key is in being wise enough to know who's strong enough to catch you. "Love is the biggest eraser there is. Love erases even the deepest imprinting because love goes deeper then anything. If you childhood imprinting was very strong, and you keep saying: "It's their fault. I can't change," you stay stuck."

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Waiting to for real, for real

So I've spent the last few years kind of living in a bubble. Not because I didn't have anything worthwhile to discuss, but because it wasn't okay for me TO discuss it. See...I married my soon to be ex-husband on August 3, 2011 and committed to trying to do what it took to make it work. The biggest thing was keeping what went on in my head and our marriage offline. On the surface, you might think "well what's wrng with that?" I suppose nothing's wrong with it if you don't mind. However, for me EVERYTHING was wrong with that. I'm a thinker. I always have been and God willing, always will be. I have thoughts about EVERYTHING. Things that concern me and things that don't. Things that should concern me and things that shouldn't. EVERYTHING. The problem with my thoughts though, is that they always cause other people to think. Most often times, they cause people to think differently about things, situations, and sometimes even people. I can see how some folk might consider this to be problematic. So after many arguments and bouts concerning my blogging, facebook posts, and tweets, I resolved not to post anything about or related to my marriage unless I had something positive to say. Now that I've explained why I haven't blogged (yes, that was shade), let me explain why I am once again blogging: I'm waiting to exhale. I have made up in my mind that the only way for me to feel alive again is to free myself from the fetters of marriage. I'm not here to bash my husband, nor am I here to discuss the details of our union. I am here though to purge my brain of the thoughts I've fought so hard for the last two years to keep contained. I understand what Jeremiah meant when he said that it's "like fire shut up in my bones." Words mean things and for me they mean life. There was a brief stint in December of 2012 where I felt alive again. The words had returned to me and poured so profusely that I couldn't stop myself from typing. Even after the laptop was ripped forcefully from my grasp, I remember lying in bed typing my thoughts into an email via a smartphone. Blogging is what I must do in order to be fully alive and so now...... Now I breathe again. Rather than to spend my time lamenting the mistakes I've made, I want to reflect on what I've learned from all that I've done and been through as a result. So yeah, from time to time this may mean revisiting a situation that some would rather I not share with the world. But that can't be my concern. After all, this is MY story. If you truly cared about the role your character plays in it, you would have done a better job of acting. It's good to be back. Bittersweet. But it's good.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012


"I wanted to tell him everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently......"

The biggest misconception out there is that every woman wants to be married, or a girlfriend, or in an exclusive relationship. I'm shaking my head as I write this because that couldn't be farther from the truth for me. I just want to be happy. What is happiness you ask? Well, it depends on when you ask me. Today, happiness was lying in bed with my two year old watching Sprout. Yesterday it was getting my hair and nails done. One month ago it was lying on Tennessee's chest counting the beats of his heart. See him? I love me some him. But it's no different than it's ever been for me before. I may think of him when I awake and at a few different points throughout the day. Maybe, some nights before I lay down he will run across my mind, but I'm truly okay with not seeing or talking to him. Just as I wouldn't want to be pampered everyday or lie in bed all day watching Sprout with the kid. Too much of any one thing no matter how good it is, is simply overkill. Variety is the spice of life and while that doesn't necessarily mean that I need several hims, it does mean that I need more than just him. I don't want my life to revolve around a man, nor do I want his to revolve around me. I just want to be able to be happy when I desire happiness. I've been told that this is selfish and it probably is. But I can't be worried about that right now.........

"Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible."

Love is Life and Life is Living........

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult."

I loved him. There's no doubt about it in my mind. I would have stopped breathing if he'd asked me too (all he had to do was say please). But my love was just not enough. I knew early on it wouldn't be, but I had something to prove to myself. See, I can have whatever I want. I believe that and so I went for it. What he did was take all that I had to give and then he took that which I wasn't exactly looking to give know, my dignity, self-respect, self-esteem..............self. I love love. The idea of love. The look of love. Even as much as I hate to admit it, the feeling of love. Bu above all else, I love TO love. Love has to be the best and worst part of life. The best part, because there is absolutely no greater feeling than that which you feel when you are IN love. The worst, because love is never allowed to just be. It must always look a certain way, act a certain way, or even feel a certain way in order for it to be valid. No matter who you are, this is true. Think about it. Someone some where has told you that they loved you, but failed to convince you because they did not act the way that you wanted them to act. My husband told me that he loved me. But the moment he put his hands on me for the third time ( not the first, nor the second, but the third) , I had to come to grips with the fact that maybe just maybe he didn't. At least not the way that I would like for him to. Reality is that he may in fact love me, but I can't accept his love.
"If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."