Happiness...........

"I wanted to tell him everything, maybe if I'd been able to, we could have lived differently......"

The biggest misconception out there is that every woman wants to be married, or a girlfriend, or in an exclusive relationship. I'm shaking my head as I write this because that couldn't be farther from the truth for me. I just want to be happy. What is happiness you ask? Well, it depends on when you ask me. Today, happiness was lying in bed with my two year old watching Sprout. Yesterday it was getting my hair and nails done. One month ago it was lying on Tennessee's chest counting the beats of his heart. See him? I love me some him. But it's no different than it's ever been for me before. I may think of him when I awake and at a few different points throughout the day. Maybe, some nights before I lay down he will run across my mind, but I'm truly okay with not seeing or talking to him. Just as I wouldn't want to be pampered everyday or lie in bed all day watching Sprout with the kid. Too much of any one thing no matter how good it is, is simply overkill. Variety is the spice of life and while that doesn't necessarily mean that I need several hims, it does mean that I need more than just him. I don't want my life to revolve around a man, nor do I want his to revolve around me. I just want to be able to be happy when I desire happiness. I've been told that this is selfish and it probably is. But I can't be worried about that right now.........

"Maybe... if I'd said, 'I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything,' maybe that would have made the impossible possible."

Love is Life and Life is Living........

"Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult." I loved him. There's no doubt about it in my mind. I would have stopped breathing if he'd asked me too (all he had to do was say please). But my love was just not enough. I knew early on it wouldn't be, but I had something to prove to myself. See, I can have whatever I want. I believe that and so I went for it. What he did was take all that I had to give and then he took that which I wasn't exactly looking to give away..........you know, my dignity, self-respect, self-esteem..............self. I love love. The idea of love. The look of love. Even as much as I hate to admit it, the feeling of love. Bu above all else, I love TO love. Love has to be the best and worst part of life. The best part, because there is absolutely no greater feeling than that which you feel when you are IN love. The worst, because love is never allowed to just be. It must always look a certain way, act a certain way, or even feel a certain way in order for it to be valid. No matter who you are, this is true. Think about it. Someone some where has told you that they loved you, but failed to convince you because they did not act the way that you wanted them to act. My husband told me that he loved me. But the moment he put his hands on me for the third time ( not the first, nor the second, but the third) , I had to come to grips with the fact that maybe just maybe he didn't. At least not the way that I would like for him to. Reality is that he may in fact love me, but I can't accept his love.   "If someone you love hurts you cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."

Divorce...............

"If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?" I was watching the episode of Friends in which the gang playfully teases Ross for being the man with three failed marriages. Although I laughed, I couldn't help but feel like I was laughing at myself. While I have not been married three times, I have been married twice and had a couple of situations that might as well have been marriages. Looking back, I wish that I could have made them work, but I feel no remorse for leaving once I realized they wouldn't. To me it's like, why would I take a test in pencil and fail to erase my mistakes before handing it in? If my pencil has an eraser, why not use it. Don't get me wrong, marriage SHOULD be forever. But when you know good and full well it's not, thank God for options. At the end of the allotted time for the test, the least you can do is hand in a neat test. "For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life."

Sight.........................

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." I found myself dating a woman once. Every one swore it was just a phase and looking back, I suppose they were right. It didn't feel that way at the time to me. I was sure that I had finally found what I was supposed to have. This woman was great to me. She took out the trash, did the dishes, kept money in my pocket, rubbed my feet after a long day's work and so very much more. I was so caught up in these little things that it was easy for me to ignore the big things, at first. But eventually, those things could not be ignored any longer. No matter how hard she tried, she would never be a man. No matter how hard I wished, she would never be a man. In essence, that relationship was not unlike any other relationship I've had in the past. I was trying to create the perfect man, this time however I was WAY off the mark. What we often times fail to realize is that our perfect mate doesn't need to be created. They already exist. When we let go of our ideals and take the time to learn God's, then and only then will we be able to see them for who they really are, wherever they happen to be. "I love men, not because they are men, but because they are not women."

Feelings.....Nothing more than......

"One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels." Gustave Flaubert

The worst part of feeling is being unable to control just what is felt. While we can control our responses to our feelings and what we allow others to see, we cannot control that which we feel. This inability to control what we feel is what makes getting over "it" so difficult. Whatever "it" may be, I am more than positive that moving past it would be so much easier if we no longer felt it. I once said that if I had to live without any one sense, I'd elect to rid myself of the sense of touch. For every benefit you can tell me the sense provides, I can think of at least two disadvantages directly related. It sometimes feels as though this sense hinders me. Feelings are the response to being touched, so it would seem logical that the way to eliminate them is to eliminate touch........but then again, nothing ever works here in life the way it does in my beautifully dark and twisted fantasies.

"Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor." Thich Nhat Hanh

Loving.........

" There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human-in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time." C. Joybell C.


It's funny how time and space allow you to fully explore all that you are and have ever been. As I've reflected over my life the past few weeks in an attempt to figure out where I'm headed I've come to see quite a few things differently than I had before. One of those things: love. For as long as I can remember, I have always found myself feeling just a tad bit lost in conversations about love. How can something that by all accounts is beautiful and freeing be so restrictive and limiting? I just don't get it. What is with all the expectations we place on love? Since when is love an investment? From what I hear, the answer is : since the beginning of time. I suppose Adam DID give up a rib in return for a whole woman (IF you believe that story but that's a whole NOTHER blog). But seriously, why must we expect love in return for the love we give? I'm convinced that our expectations are the sole reason for the pain we suffer in life. I've heard about having an attitude of gratitude and I think that when it comes to love, that's really the way to think. I'm grateful for the experience.......for the opportunity......and for the ability.....TO love. If I should be loved in return, GREAT, but if not, that's cool too. Probably because the hardest part of love for me is allowing myself to BE loved. I promise I'll write about that one day........but today won't be that day. Right now, I just want to love ya and be who I am..........*cranks up the music*


"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned." William Somerset Maugham