Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Waiting to Exhale.........like for real, for real

So I've spent the last few years kind of living in a bubble. Not because I didn't have anything worthwhile to discuss, but because it wasn't okay for me TO discuss it. See...I married my soon to be ex-husband on August 3, 2011 and committed to trying to do what it took to make it work. The biggest thing was keeping what went on in my head and our marriage offline. On the surface, you might think "well what's wrng with that?" I suppose nothing's wrong with it if you don't mind. However, for me EVERYTHING was wrong with that. I'm a thinker. I always have been and God willing, always will be. I have thoughts about EVERYTHING. Things that concern me and things that don't. Things that should concern me and things that shouldn't. EVERYTHING. The problem with my thoughts though, is that they always cause other people to think. Most often times, they cause people to think differently about things, situations, and sometimes even people. I can see how some folk might consider this to be problematic. So after many arguments and bouts concerning my blogging, facebook posts, and tweets, I resolved not to post anything about or related to my marriage unless I had something positive to say. Now that I've explained why I haven't blogged (yes, that was shade), let me explain why I am once again blogging: I'm waiting to exhale. I have made up in my mind that the only way for me to feel alive again is to free myself from the fetters of marriage. I'm not here to bash my husband, nor am I here to discuss the details of our union. I am here though to purge my brain of the thoughts I've fought so hard for the last two years to keep contained. I understand what Jeremiah meant when he said that it's "like fire shut up in my bones." Words mean things and for me they mean life. There was a brief stint in December of 2012 where I felt alive again. The words had returned to me and poured so profusely that I couldn't stop myself from typing. Even after the laptop was ripped forcefully from my grasp, I remember lying in bed typing my thoughts into an email via a smartphone. Blogging is what I must do in order to be fully alive and so now...... Now I breathe again. Rather than to spend my time lamenting the mistakes I've made, I want to reflect on what I've learned from all that I've done and been through as a result. So yeah, from time to time this may mean revisiting a situation that some would rather I not share with the world. But that can't be my concern. After all, this is MY story. If you truly cared about the role your character plays in it, you would have done a better job of acting. It's good to be back. Bittersweet. But it's good.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this post has inspired me in so many ways! I truly understand where you are coming from and can truly say that no MATTER what took place you have NEVER lost your smile. This blog can be an inspiration to someone who has not yet found their voice and can see that if they too continue on can find theirs as well. This is soo good and make me think a lot more about what is going on inside my head. I LOVE you Tammika, every voice can find a way out and succeed for the greater.